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I'm being forced back into the real world again and i'll admit that i'm more then a little scared about that, mostly because i don't want the truth about my seclusion to get out. I don't like lying (never really did) but i don't want what i'v been dealing with for the past year to come out and be misunderstood by my community. They can never understand and i don't even want to try explaining any of this to them, no matter how i approach this i'll come out looking like a bitch in the end and that's just not fare. I'v been locked away in this house for a year now and that has made my brain cave in on itself, so at this point i am as antisocial as i'll ever be and that's saying something. I don't want to answer any questions because i just know they wont get it, they may pretend to at one point but then they'll just go behind my back and start talking about me.
I'm to tired to deal with their BS and at this point i feel like just ignoring them all no matter what and if that means i'm acting like a bitch then so be it. I have been here so many times with all of them and my explanations never gets us any where, so why should this time be any different. I'm settling into this life of being a shut-in quit well if i do say so myself and am content with the way that my life has turned out (as content as one can be about their live's going to hell). I don't feel that i am ready to go back out into the out side world and be social again (at least not right now), it all just feels so unnatural to me. Its like i have to relearn how to be human again, i was never even good at being human in the first place so the past years has not really help in that matter.
If the next time i go out and i don't act like my old self or even any thing close to that then i would basically be turning my back on everything and everyone i know and i'm kinda okay with that. Sure it would mean that i'd be completely alone for a good two years but it would all be worth it, i don't want to be contributing to their ignorance any more. Ether they all grow up (which is asking A LOT) or i become the black sheep of my whole community for probably all my life. I may be underestimating them all but they have never really given me a reason to not underestimate them so i can't ever think otherwise. Contentment is a hard thing to come by, i contribute mins to my laziness and inability to care far past the point required.
I sometimes feel that my contentment has weakened my heart and turned it cold but that's just a defense mechanism that has allowed me to survive my current predicament. So i may have become a bitch to the rest of the world but i ca never apologize for that because if i did not shut myself in then i would have self distracted in a matter of days.

Posted by amicawinters at 23:39 on December 18th, 2012 at 11:39PM
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This Blog Entry's Comment Board (2 comments)

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lostinthewoods1	Posted on 04:03PM on Feb 11th, 2013 you really need to talk with a therapist.
amicawinters	Posted on 10:24PM on Feb 16th, 2013 don't i know it.
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1-2 of 2 Comments

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