okay, this story was suppose to be one of those story's that i wrote as a part of my new years resolution but it did not end up like what i wanted to write. i still like it so i thought i post it here to see if its any good, this is part one of four and i really hope that who ever reads it likes it or at least enjoys it in some way.
So i was debating rather or not to even make a new year resolution this years because there is just so much that i want to change this years that putting it all down on just seam's so pointless. I at first just wanted to write down about five but then five become ten and then ten becomes 30 so there was no way i could just sit down and write down a little significant list. Now i actually have to put some thought into this because i want to meat all of the goals i set for myself and all the goals i want to set are some what complex this year. So here we go(and this is not in any kind of order in any way its just written down as it comes to me after a lot of thought's being involved).
1* KEEP ROOM CLEAN FOR AT LEAST ONE MONTH STRAIGHT!
2* Washing and brushing the soul for one month straight (don't worry i get it and that's all that matter).
3* Dance to ten songs or more once a day for at least one month straight.
4* Fix my sleeping scale.
5* Write two children story's that are similar to the brothers Grimm story's with one of them revolving around a gay couple and then write one other children story revolving around a gay couple that is Disney like.
6* Find a friend on Facebook for lusamba.
7* Stop eating late at night past six pm for at least one month straight.
8* Work on not eating so much fattening foods in one week.
9* Fix up that pile of papers on my corner over there.
10* Work on starting up amica winters story.
11* Find a a job and get it.
12* Work on finishing some of my old finished story's.
This list may change before 2013 but for the most part this is what i plan on working on in 2013 and it may just be my sleepy eye's but i can not think of anything else.
This blog is sadly becoming my default for like....EVERYTHING, kind of like right now when i am supposed to be doing something i'v been putting off for a while and yet i am here writing about how bored i am. When i first started doing this blog thing i wanted it to be about 2 weeks apart each post and now its like (on my best day's) 2 post's a week and that is not a good think. It just makes me even more of a procrastinator then i already am , so i really should not be here writing what ever i am about to write. But here we go anyways. So what i wanted to write about is my contentment with my life at this moment. I have not made peace with it nor am i in any way happy with my life currently but i am content and as much as i would wish for that to mean something big it sadly does not.
My contentment with any thing around me is tragically to common for my comfort, manly because it just show's a side of me that i don't very much like about myself.The side of me that's way to lay back and compromises way to much without putting up much of a fight to begin with, i just HATE that side of me. Now granted that my lay back "nature" would suggest that i am some what of a peaceful person and while that is a good think. It can also get me in to danger when the time for fighting come's and i'm just to content to do what needs to be done.
I would hate for there to come a day when i needed to fight in order to defend my morals and my calm attitude towards the world just give's in before the fight even begins. That would be a very dark day for me, i am a loosed person as it is so holding on to what little morels i have is a very big deal for me and this attitude that i have picked up is threatening that. So me now, being this okay with the fact that i only get to step out side once a week just so that i can go to church where i don't even understand the language the preacher is preaching in. Is beyond not okay and yet there is hardly anything i can do about any of that with out having to literary stand up and fight.
I'm being forced back into the real world again and i'll admit that i'm more then a little scared about that, mostly because i don't want the truth about my seclusion to get out. I don't like lying (never really did) but i don't want what i'v been dealing with for the past year to come out and be misunderstood by my community. They can never understand and i don't even want to try explaining any of this to them, no matter how i approach this i'll come out looking like a bitch in the end and that's just not fare. I'v been locked away in this house for a year now and that has made my brain cave in on itself, so at this point i am as antisocial as i'll ever be and that's saying something. I don't want to answer any questions because i just know they wont get it, they may pretend to at one point but then they'll just go behind my back and start talking about me.
I'm to tired to deal with their BS and at this point i feel like just ignoring them all no matter what and if that means i'm acting like a bitch then so be it. I have been here so many times with all of them and my explanations never gets us any where, so why should this time be any different. I'm settling into this life of being a shut-in quit well if i do say so myself and am content with the way that my life has turned out (as content as one can be about their live's going to hell). I don't feel that i am ready to go back out into the out side world and be social again (at least not right now), it all just feels so unnatural to me. Its like i have to relearn how to be human again, i was never even good at being human in the first place so the past years has not really help in that matter.
If the next time i go out and i don't act like my old self or even any thing close to that then i would basically be turning my back on everything and everyone i know and i'm kinda okay with that. Sure it would mean that i'd be completely alone for a good two years but it would all be worth it, i don't want to be contributing to their ignorance any more. Ether they all grow up (which is asking A LOT) or i become the black sheep of my whole community for probably all my life. I may be underestimating them all but they have never really given me a reason to not underestimate them so i can't ever think otherwise. Contentment is a hard thing to come by, i contribute mins to my laziness and inability to care far past the point required.
I sometimes feel that my contentment has weakened my heart and turned it cold but that's just a defense mechanism that has allowed me to survive my current predicament. So i may have become a bitch to the rest of the world but i ca never apologize for that because if i did not shut myself in then i would have self distracted in a matter of days.
This is a look onto something that not many will ever understand but most who do may be made better or worse (depending on what they do at the time that this happens to them) because of it .
I'm in love with my inner black hole.
She is my down fall.,
and yet i can never look away when she smiles.
Her lips looking up to the skip.
Sending me words of love and admiration.
While at the same time wanting to drown me within her.
I lose the soul that i have become,
in my many less successful methods of evading her.
Her pull is just to intoxicating.
Playing to my weakness of familiarity.
Trapping me in my own self sorrow.
Cradling me as i sobb myself to sleep within her arms.
Yet i am smitten,
and i don't know why.
Not a single reason as to why i find her to irresistible.
She is perfection throw my foggy eye's.
I can see the blood that overwhelm's her.
Can see the forever darkness that is her.
She is my end and i have known that from the vary start,
but her touch.
As cold and loveless as they may be.,
i crave to the point of sickness.
Her very warmth,
that she is beyond incapable of producing,
i loss my self in within the first contact.
This is a tainted kind of wanting.
Splattered with all that call's upon death,
and revel in her beauty.
This need for one another that i'v always know to be unhealthy.
Is in fact all that i have ever knowing.
When it come's to needing and being with someone,
with living some where,
with experiencing something,
or even just breathing like everyone else.
Its the pain that come's with her loving yet disastrous embrace.
She is the back hole that has made its home within my being,
and all i wish is to be engulfed within her some day.
To just simply die one day.
falling into her forever grasp of me.
I want the feeling to last,
rather or not its suicide to my existence. "
It's a little what go's on in my head when i a beyond the wall of "my own self sorrow and a little of what my feeling would look like if they were worlds. Simply put, its what my brain's depiction of my need to always feel like i am slowly killing myself from the inside with the only feeling (rather dark feelings)that i have ever really known.
I had this urge to write something for about 3 days now and i had no idea what my brain wanted me to get down, all i knew was that it wanted out and it wanted out fast. It drove me crazy and i went looking around for a song that would help me see it more clearly, to know what it was so that i could better put it down on paper. But no, not even my most inspiring songs gave me any clues as to what this thing that was screaming at me was. I finally gave in and just let it slowly drive me nuts until it was ready to move one, but then just a few min's ago inspiration hit me in the form of Jessie j's nobody's perfect song and i went to work. I still had no idea what i was writing down but i just started writing and it started to come out as a poem about having an idea in your head that you could not put into words and having that idea drive you crazy because of it (go figure)!
The poem was good and it may have been one of my best, that is it would have been if my computer did not chose that very moment to shut down so that it could finish updating some program that was on here. It makes me sad that i'll never get to fully take in that poem and all the frustration that went into writing it, because i was literary about to pull my own hair out out of frustration of not being able to put that idea into words. The whole time i was writing it i felt like someone was giving me a really good massage every time i finished writing down a sentient. It felt like heaven and i am so happy that i at least managed to get the feeling out and the idea out even though no one (even me)will ever get to read it. I truly believe that it would have been one hell of a poem seeing just how hard it fought me so that it could get out into the world.
Anything that fights that hard with that much power backing it up just so that it does not get forgotten has to be something pretty amazing.
I woke up one day as sick as someone like me who is always sick can be, i was in pain all over and i had to do the last thing i wanted to do. i had to call my mom and ask for a ride to the hospital, i have been angry at my mom for months now and its not even about the fight we had. its about the fact the she just can not ever see just how much she has fucked me over again and again and again. i was in to much pain to complain so i just went with her and then when i got the care that i needed i came right back here and went straight to bed. i had a really high temperature and it felt like i was my own heater for the rest of the night, i kind of liked it but i new that it meant that i was really sick and that this was no joke.
I have always had a low immunity system so i should not be getting this surprised every time i get this sick but i do. it must be that i wish so much to have a healthy body that i lie to myself and when the lies find their way back to me i get forced to face them and i drown myself in denial. i'm doing fine as of today but i can't stand or site up for to long because of the meds i'm taking, their making me so weak and dizzy that i passed out after taking my shower this marring. if there's one thing i hate about being sick is that i loss what little control i have over myself, i ether loss it to the sickness or to the meds i have to take in order to feel some what better.the one good thing abut this week is that i discovered sterek fanfic and i am loving every second of it.
I am addicted and am dame proud of it, i'v read about 8 or 9 so far but i want more and have been online looking for more. this week has been hell and some what heavenly at the same time, i'm looking foreword to next week because then i may have some strength to clean this room up and finish some of my personal projects. being me is never easy but as i keep reminding myself, one has to suffer first in order to get just what they deserve from the world and that's just what i have to live with for a while.
its been 3 to 4 months sens i had spoken to anyone and it felt really good to do just that even though he was only talking to me in order to get into my pants. i like hearing the voice of someone else in person who was talking to me and paying attention to me, i felt so weightless because i was talking to someone who did not know of my past. i had no baggage on me and i could be as much of me as i wanted, i felt more free talking to this guy i knew nothing about then i have felt in i would say years. its been hard on me just breathing each day, it may just be my asthma or it could be that i have been holing my tong around everyone i know for years now and i hat doing that. i love my words and i love speaking it without being insulted just because the person i am choosing to talk to has a very closed mind.
its October and i love this month almost more then i love my birthday month but i can't even enjoy it because i am locked up in this room for god knows how long. Halloween is almost here and yet again i am stuck here without any way of enjoying my Favorite holiday, its always like this every year but some how i had thought that this year would be different(how stupid was i to think something like that). i want to go out and see all the decorations and on Halloween day i wanted to go out and see all the costumes. but no such luck here and also i can't even enjoy all the specials on T.V because mines is broken and my laptop is so old that now i can't even watch anything without it taking FOREVER to load. my heart is broken on so may levels this year and i am trying my hardiest to deal, i am really thankful for that boy who talk to me today. he was nice and sweet no matter he's intentions, his voice truly made my heart feel lighter then i has felt in years.c
Previous Postsjust a story that i wrote., posted April 3rd, 2013
new year resolution, posted December 29th, 2012, 2 comments
running away as usual, posted December 22nd, 2012
back to the real world, posted December 18th, 2012, 2 comments
what my insides read as, posted December 13th, 2012
an idea burning from within, posted December 12th, 2012
this week in my life, posted November 17th, 2012
i spoke to some one today., posted October 12th, 2012
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